apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Randomize
