Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
