I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
