my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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