Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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