So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
