Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
