she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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