It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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