if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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