I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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