i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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