I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize