so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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