note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
