Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
