Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
me + whiskey = a bad person
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
