I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
