Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
