Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
