nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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