I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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