Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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