Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
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Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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