i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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