Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
