Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
