Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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