Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
