The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
