My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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