Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
