listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
