Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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