Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She has the best kind of daddy issues
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
