guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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