We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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