if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We're too hungover to prance.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
