CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
