Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
