I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
