he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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