Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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