Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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