I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
