I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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