The maid of honor just puked.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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