there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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