I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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