Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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