I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
