I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
