Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We have so much sex to catch up on
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
