I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
