I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize