I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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