Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
