Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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